MY TOP TEN DIY S3X TOYS
This article was ariginally published on Medium.com at https://medium.com/@thewendymiller/my-top-ten-diy-sex-toys-b9f37dfdc7f8
There’s something a lot of you folks don’t know about me. Along with being a charming podcast host, a sexologist and an Emmy-winning comedy writer and producer, I am also a hardcore DIYer. It’s true. I got a Dremel last Christmas and almost happy-peed on the floor right in front of the tree.
Unfortunately, most of the things I create are borderline disasters, but occasionally I get things right. Over the years, I’ve made my own furniture, costumes, holiday decorations, greeting cards, centerpieces, art installations, Christmas tree ornaments, you name it.
All I need is a glue gun and a dream…and about 500 angry trips to the craft store on the same day.
Now, if you’re following the international sex toy sales numbers, which, of course you are, you’ll know that adult pleasure products have been FLYING off the shelves during this coronavirus pandemic. Being stuck at home with access to only 900 entertainment channels can get boring fast. In New Zealand alone, sex toy sales have tripled. People in isolation all over the world are searching for ways to cope and, yep, masturbation is an excellent way to lower stress and trigger the release of oxytocin and endorphins that will help you get through this insanity. Plus, it feels really great.
At least once a day, I dial my own rotary phone. Highly recommended!
Thousands of sex toys are readily available online, even Walmart sells them now. But, they come at a pretty steep price. Pun intended. Seriously, it’s not unheard of to spend upwards of $120 for a vibrator. That is, if you can find a decent one in stock.
But, have no fear you horny cheapskates!
You don’t have to forego this month’s toilet paper and Netflix budget to get your freak on. Don’t buy, DIY! That’s right. Pioneer Woman this shit. In fact, there are several items probably lying around your place right now that can be converted into highly effective sex toys.
But first, this disclaimer from my TV attorney…
Wendy Miller does not warrant or make any representations concerning the safety, likely results, or reliability of the use of the materials mentioned in this article. Homemade sex toys may put you at a risk of infection. Certain objects have the potential to damage internal tissue. Clean all items properly, steam them if you can. Make sure the items you use are totally clean and won’t cause any irritation or infection. Be very careful about what you’re inserting in your body. If it’s dirty, it’s best to avoid it. Anything inserted in your body should be wrapped in a condom to prevent the transmission of bacteria. Sterilize your homemade sex toys after every use. Don’t do anything dumb, dumbass.
Now I present to you…MY TOP TEN DIY SEX TOYS!
ITEM #1 — PEARLS!
My friend, author, and noted sex educator Lou Paget has for years been extolling the virtues of using pearls during oral sex with penis owners. If you have a long strand of fake pearls, wear it all day so your body warms it up. You’ll be the fanciest person in quarantine. Then later, when you’re ready to have some fun, take off the fake pearls and cover them generously with lube. Coil the pearls around the shaft of your partner’s penis comfortably but snug enough so that the beads are rested against him. Intertwine your fingers and place the palms of your hands on either side of his penis. Then, slide your hands up and down in a wave motion, causing the warm, lubed beads to roll up and down his shaft.
Do this correctly and you’ll have a brand-new pearl necklace in minutes!
ITEM #2 — A WOODEN SPOON
You have probably seen that wooden spoon with a hole in it. It’s called a Risotto Spoon. I have a friend who used to carry one around, she called it The Naughty Spoon. If you’re looking to experiment with light spanking to full-on Impact Play, a wooden spoon that’s probably already in your utensil drawer, is a great tool for the job. Agree on your rules ahead of time. If you need a safe word, establish one. Banana, for some reason, is a very popular safe word. My safe word is, “Hey, stop doing that.” I’ll never forget it. Also, remember that consent is reversible. Only do what you want to do, not things that you feel you’re expected or pressured to do. Anyone can change their mind about what they feel like doing at any time.
Just know that there’s a potentially fun new sex toy right in your kitchen utensil drawer. Go ahead and give it a whack.
ITEM #3 — THE HAND-HELD SHOWER HEAD OR TUB FILLER
A personal favorite of teenage girls, a handheld shower head with multiple settings can be your very bestest friend. If you have a bathtub that allows you to drape your legs over the edge so you can position your vulva under the tub filler, go for it! Just mind the temperature.
Get a little dirty while you’re getting clean!
ITEM #4 — A YOGA BALL
The yoga ball, also known as a gym ball, an exercise ball, a stability ball or an impulse purchase constantly mocking you from the corner of your home office. These large inflatable balls are fantastic for sex since you can position yourself all over them for extra stability and they give you a nice bounce.
Plus, you can tell everyone you’re doing a serious core workout when you’re actually boning. Technically you won’t be lying.
ITEM #5 — COCONUT OIL
Coconut oil is totally having a moment, and there’s a very good chance there’s a jar of it in your kitchen right now. Coconut oil can be used as lube. It’s naturally antifungal and antibacterial, plus it stays slippery longer than most traditional water-based lubes for a fraction of the cost. Just remember not to use any oil-based lubes with latex condoms because the oil breaks down the integrity of the latex.
If you’ve always had a sexual fantasy about the Professor on Gilligan’s Island, or Mary Ann or Ginger, then that jar of coconut oil in your kitchen just might make an excellent three-hour tour in your bedroom tonight.
#6 — CANDLES
I am not suggesting that you insert a candle in any orifice. However, hot wax play can very fun and if you’re cheap like me, you have a whole cabinet full of random Dollar Store candles you’ve planned on using for some huge romantic gesture you haven’t gotten around to yet. Of course, whenever you use a candle, make sure the area is free of flammable items. Be mindful of your lingerie and bedding as well. Try to use body safe candles made of soy or paraffin. Beeswax candles burn very hot and can singe your skin. Play safely. Also, when wax cools and hardens it can be very painful to remove from areas with body hair. Like a Band-Aid times 1,000,000. You can shave ahead of time. Some folks like to prep the area with baby oil, which can make the wax removal much easier.
Wax on. Get off.
#7 — SCARVES AND NECKTIES
These are items you likely have lying around your house in great abundance and they are excellent for DIY light bondage and blindfold play. Seriously, you don’t need one of those fancy, pink pleather bondage kits with a contorted porn lady on the box. Don’t buy, DIY! Just make sure that your knots aren’t too tight. You don’t want to cut off circulation.
Also, never use an Hermès scarf for BDSM. Unless you’re fucking Grace Kelly.
#8 — A SCRUNCHIE
Fun Fact: The scrunchie was patented in 1987 by nightclub singer Rommy Revson who once opened for Frank Sinatra. She wanted to create an elastic tie that didn’t damage her hair. Well, it turns out, the scrunchie can also be great as a DIY cock ring. Cosmopolitan Magazine suggests you place the scrunchie around his entire package, looping around and under his balls. Please make sure this is not too tight or you can cause damage. To him. Or the scrunchie, I suppose. A well-placed cock ring makes the penis tissue harder and slightly bigger for a longer period of time. It can also delay orgasm, which may result in a much more intense happy ending.
Pro Tip: Don’t go to Claire’s Boutique and grab the first scrunchie you see on the sale rack by the register. Penis owners might object to having something frilly or a Dora The Explorer hair tie wrapped around their junk. They’re funny that way. Please be mindful of your scrunchie end user.
#9 — A CHEAP PLASTIC SHOWER CURTAIN, PLASTIC TABLE CLOTH OR PLASTIC PAINTING TARP
One of my favorite sex products is the No More Wet Spot sex blanket. It’s amazing and totally waterproof. But it’s also a bit expensive and you’ve got better things to do than wait for naughty sex products from Canada, eh? No problem! Somewhere in your kitchen, bathroom or garage you just might have clean, waterproof sheeting of some sort. Go crazy! Throw that thing over your bedding and try all sorts of messy stuff. Since you have nothing else better to do, now is the perfect time to learn how to ejaculate if you’re a woman. Once you lay down this layer and let go, you’ll have nothing to worry about. Your sheets and bedding will remain pristine. If you choose to play with foods, please remember that syrups, chocolate spreads, whipped cream, etc. can cause some real issues with your lady parts. The sugars can irritate your skin and seriously disturb your natural bacteria which can lead to an infection which is not sexy at all.
Remember, you want to DIY, not a UTI.
Which leads us to…#10 — A CUCUMBER
Who knew the produce section was so sexy? Lots of you, that’s who. Yes, you can use a cucumber or other phallic-shaped produce as a dildo, and there are about 6000 sizes and many varieties to choose from. Just remember to wrap whatever you insert in your body with a condom first in order to avoid a bacterial infection. Of course, the condom will affect the taste of said produce afterward. You probably won’t want to serve a Trojan and lime infused cucumber salad. So, think of it as a single-use DIY.
Clearly you can can’t have your sex toys and eat them, too.